


No Rest for the Wicked

by Priestlyislove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen, Kinda shippy but not really, Oneshot, Sastiel if you squint, and that's what Cas tries to do, cas apologizes to Sam for once, fluff that turns into angst, read if you like pain, sam needs to be told he's doing the right thing and that he's loved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 07:03:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5530343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Priestlyislove/pseuds/Priestlyislove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place during season five. Cas lets Sam know that an angel believes in him, but it's too little too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Rest for the Wicked

The night was settling in overhead, leaving the sky hushed tones of purple. The tops of the bare trees looked like arms outstretched to the heavens. A menacing chill hung in the air. Sam was grabbing a drink from a vending machine outside the motel. He stood there, staring absentmindedly at the can in his hand. He was lost in deep thought. His mind was filled with archangels and apocalypses.

His brother and his' attempts to thwart the end of the world felt pointless, but he couldn't lose hope. Hope was all he had left. Dean was doing his best to hold on, so he had to as well. It was taking a toll on the both of them. But if they fell, they would fall together. It was as simple as that in Sam's mind. He hoped it was the same for Dean. But he didn't know. Dean wasn't telling him everything anymore, and he was doing the same. He hated it and wanted to stop but he was in too deep now. They were drifting apart and there wasn't anything he could do. He sighed. If he couldn't even save his relationship with Dean, how was he supposed to save the world? But he couldn't lose hope. 

"Sam." He jumped a little, Cas' voice snapping him out of it. He turned around to look at the angel. Cas looked just as worn as ever. He didn't look at him. There was a suffocating tension between them that Sam didn't understand. Maybe it was just his usual oddness, exaggerated by Sam's paranoid mind and the low light of the evening. "I need to speak with you."

Sam raised an eyebrow. He silently prayed it was good news. He could use good news. "Okay, let's go inside and get Dean-"

"No. Just you." He spoke forcefully, like his words were demands.

Sam nodded, bracing himself for whatever was coming. It wasn't going to be good, he realized with a sinking feeling.

Cas paused. He looked like he was trying to find the right words. "Sam, you...you are damned, to put it simply. Even if you somehow manage to fend off Lucifer's temptations, there will be no redemption for you. You don't think you have committed any unforgivable sin, yet you can never find peace. Your sin was your birth, Sam. Your very existence was doomed from the start."

Sam swallowed. This wasn't exactly what he was expecting, but he knew it was all true. It scared him and angered him, but mostly it just broke his heart. He had hoped Castiel didn't see him like that, like the monstrosity he was, but it was in vain. He couldn't expect Cas to forgive him if even God could not. He didn't really need to be reminded of it now though. That was an issue for him to deal with once he was done saving the world. After all, he had to put humanity's problems in front of his own. "I know, man-"

"I don't know how you do it." Cas interrupted him.

Sam stopped. "...what?"

Cas made eye contact with him. "I know that I would've broken under the pressure. The fact that you are still sane and still fighting is beyond a miracle. You know there's no salvation for you, yet you don't give in. It would be so much easier for you if you did but you refuse, you continue to try to protect as many people as you can. I don't know if it's admirable or just plain stupid. Maybe it's both. You're the bravest man I've ever met Sam. I understand now why you are strong enough to hold an archangel.

"I came here because I wanted to apologize. I've been treating you unfairly. I may love humans, but I still feel superior to them. And I thought surely I was better than the boy with demon blood. But you're so good. Despite everything, you're so good. It's...inspiring." Cas smiled a little. "I hope you can forgive me. But if you cannot, I understand. You don't have to forgive anyone. You were thrown into this mess with no say, and now you'll never get to be at rest. No one deserves your forgiveness."

Sam stared for a moment in disbelief. It was a lot to take in. He had managed to insult and compliment him at the same time, he told him his fight was useless but that he should keep fighting. It was all so contrary and messy. Just like his life.

He started to laugh, catching Cas off guard. Whatever reaction Cas was expecting, it wasn't that. It was the sort of laugh that was raspy and broken due to underuse. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed like this. Nothing was funny when the world was ending and it was your fault. But this, this was hilarious. An angel telling him he's strong and that he's fighting the good fight. It was the sort of thing he had wished for since he was a kid. He wanted to be on the right side of the battle. But this was just bitterly ironic. He was getting the praise he wanted out of pity.

He bent over, clutching his knees. But his laughter soon died, being reborn as a choked sob. A tear splattered on the concrete below. He had been trying so hard to keep himself together. It had been working, but Castiel's little push was enough to blow his whole fortress down. Everything he had spent the last months building up now came crashing down. The heavy reality of the situation crushed him. He could not carry this enormous weight. He was going to break under it. Despite what Cas had said, he was still just a human. A human in a game played by angels and demons. He wiped his nose, wishing he could pull himself back together. "It's going to get worse before it gets better, isn't it?" 

"Oh, Sam..." His voice was pained and drenched with sympathy. A sound very familiar to Sam, the voice of someone who wanted to help but couldn't. "It's never going to get better."


End file.
